What is shame and how can we deal with it effectively?
Hall of shame
What’s wrong with you?
Is there anything that you are hiding?
Anything that you have done, that you don’t want anyone to know about—not even (remember) yourself?
Shame is awkwardly familiar to most of us human beings. Surprisingly, it’s the root cause of feelings of unworthiness and anti-social behaviour. This blog is based on a training I taught and considers the question: what is shame and how can we deal with it effectively?
“We’re only as sick as our secrets.”
—12 Steps, Alcoholics Anonymous
Psychological research
Shame is a self-conscious emotion that is related to a sense of something being wrong with who we are. Psychologists identify different types of shame. For example:
Shame when we fail at something we should be good at.
Shame when we make a mistake in front of others.
Shame when we feel left out of the group.
Internalised shame: the belief that there is something deeply wrong with who I am or what my circumstances are.
Shame has a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships, as it typically leads to withdrawal. We don’t want others to see, know, or acknowledge our shameful actions or traits.
Shame isolates and motivates avoidant behaviour, but it can also stimulate defensive, retaliatory anger. A beautiful downward spiral. Psychological research links shame with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem (Thomas A. Fergus et al., 2010; Tangney & L. Dearing).
Shame & guilt
Please note: shame is not the same as guilt.
They both arise when we disobey moral, ethical, or religious norms. But guilt implies: I did something wrong. Shame says: I am something wrong.
Guilt invites responsibility. It says: “I did something that caused harm.” Shame cuts deeper—it questions your worthiness altogether.
How we shame others
Take a moment to reflect: How do you shame yourself? What is wrong with you? What don’t you want anyone to know? And… what are your secrets about how you’ve behaved?
In our Western society, we shame others often—
Publicly, through trials or social media takedowns.
Implicitly, as we mock or exclude those who are different.
What do we do with people who did something “wrong”? Do we exile them—or re-include them?
Expelling or including
The Babemba Tribe in South Africa has a radically different approach to wrongdoing and restoration. Understanding that shaming one person affects the whole tribe, they engage in a healing ritual.
As Jack Kornfield shares in The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace:
“In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the centre of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual.
Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the centre of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and acts of kindness are recited carefully and at length.
This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. In the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”
“True love and prayer are learned in the hour when love becomes impossible and the heart has turned to stone.”
—Jack Kornfield
The experience
So I took people into a workshop. Walking around, looking at each other. Starting to exhale: ha-ha. Adding a pointing finger. One half of the group pointed and laughed at the other half: hahaha. Then we switched.
We stopped. Felt. Tears ran.
We have all experienced being laughed at. Being pointed at. Or doing the pointing—just to avoid our own discomfort.
Then we opened the circle. We shared:
“What I don’t want you to know about me is…”
We created a confession circle. Each person spoke their secrets, their shame, their “wrongs.” Then, together with a deep long exhale and Tantric sublimation techniques, we sighed as one:
“You’ve been forgiven.”
We welcomed each lost member back into the tribe. Physically, emotionally,
Want to experience more practices around releasing Shame?
Check the CORE Programme Retreats
